back letterman on acid My mind and body were beginning to separate. In fact, my mind seemed to have a mind of its own. high maintenance I can still hear the sound of her idle – a sexy rumble like a mischievous cat. toothbrush envy Late one night I went home, crept into the bathroom, and did something violent. e x p o s e d Everyone came to get naked, immortalized with our clothes off. abridged virgin By the time I hadn't slept with Judas, I knew it was time to do something drastic.   t e s t e d Two friends became infected. One was an ex-lover. I started getting nervous. t h e   t r e e I couldn't wait to see them brown and dry on the sidewalks. I was that way about Christmas.   l o s t When you're a fiend, time is only a collection of numbers. That time is lost. our lady of sorrows Sometimes it's not the quality of the disasters that counts, it's the quantity. fair-weather friends The people here are as hidden as snow- obstructed houses. s m o k i n g How I started. What it was like. How I quit. home for the holidays In one week, I'll be back in the room I grew up in. I hate that room. vinyl fetish In memory of the long-playing, black vinyl, single-grooved record album. the perfect cup of coffee Coffee is a lifestyle so omnipresent that we don't even notice that people who drink the stuff are weird. death How will it come to you? the big three-oh Never trust any- one over thirty. Even if that includes yourself.